haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
