I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
