Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
