if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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