remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize