Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize