did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
