Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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