I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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