Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
