i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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