well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
