I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
