she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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