my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
