there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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