Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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