Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
