there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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