I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
