So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
