what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
