In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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