Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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