You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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