He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
