remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
