Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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