Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
