He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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