She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
