Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
