The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
