oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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