I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
