In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We left the knife in your bed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
