He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You smell like stripper and shame
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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