Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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