Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
