1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize