I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
