I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize