no, he came in my armpit
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
