Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
