If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just found a bag of teeth...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
