I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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