Yo dont text me then not text me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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