Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
