my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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