I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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