My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
