Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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