my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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