Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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