Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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