You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
