Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
