the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
how drunk are you?
Several
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
