I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
