What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
