I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
