The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
