This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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