My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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