My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
